Gay divorce locally paves way for Missouri couples

A deeply personal legal decision for one Springfield woman could have a very public impact for gay couples in Missouri.

Mary Hilsabeck had been separated from her wife for two years. She had spoken to attorneys locally and in Iowa, where she got married to Lynette Meng in 2009. She tried advocacy groups. She wanted a divorce, but they all said the same thing — there's nothing you can do.

States typically require you live in the state for at least a year before you can file for a divorce. But how do you get divorced in a state like Missouri that doesn't recognize gay marriage?

"I looked at other states to see residency requirements," she said. "I've got two kids in high school and work at a job with the federal government — a job I've had almost 25 years. It just wasn't feasible to quit and try to find residency somewhere else."

There were some practical issues at hand — namely Hilsabeck's desire to retire soon. She couldn't draw on her benefits in the short term without a signature from Meng, who would also have rights to Hilsabeck's retirement benefits.

But there was more. Hilsabeck was in a new relationship. She was in love and wanted to move on from a marriage that essentially ended two years earlier.

Hilsabeck didn't give up. When the U.S. Supreme Court struck down part of the Defense of Marriage Act in June 2013, she saw an opportunity.

She already knew attorney Michael Bridges and spoke to him about her options.

"She really was put in an impossible situation," Bridges said.

Wading into uncertain legal waters

The federal government, which is also her employer with the Medical Center for Federal Prisoners, recognized her marriage, but the law wasn't clear whether Hilsabeck could divorce in Missouri.

Bridges got to work researching case law. He couldn't find a similar case in Missouri, so he looked into historical cases of interracial divorces — still nothing. The closest cases he could find were common-law marriages (the kind of legal bond created when couples reside together for several years but aren't officially married) from Kansas that were divorced in Missouri. Common-law marriages are not recognized in Missouri.

It wasn't all he had hoped for, but Bridges and Hilsabeck gave it a shot.

"We decided that our best first action was to file for a divorce here in Greene County and see what the outcome was," Bridges said. "Thankfully, we were successful in that effort."

Judge Mark Powell, who signed off on Commissioner Scott Tinsley's recommendation to grant the divorce, said his role was a simple one.

"This couple was married legally in another state," he said. "All I'm doing is giving them a divorce legally in Missouri, giving full faith and credit to the state law under which they were married. I don't think there's anything that prohibits me from granting that."

The judgment on Hilsabeck and Meng's divorce came on April 1. Nine days later, a same-sex couple in Boone County was granted a divorce. Just this week, the deadline to appeal Hilsabeck's case passed.

Hilsabeck decided to speak out now, because going public before that might have created a backlash from those opposing same-sex marriages.

What it means for Missouri

Stephanie Perkins, deputy director of PROMO, a group that advocates for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities, said the organization doesn't expect any larger implications from the divorce cases.

But Bridges sees the ruling as part of a sea of change.

"The country is moving in what I think is the right direction," he said. "By fits and starts, I think Missouri will get there."

Hilsabeck agrees, but understands it's a slow process — something she's become accustomed to.

"Living in Missouri, I think it sometimes is a slower process than other parts of the country," she said. "Coming out initially is a process. It was a process for my family, for the people I work with. I think it's coming."

She said the inability of her grandchildren to comprehend the prejudice is something she finds comfort in.

"We'll say to them, 'Did you know your grandmas couldn't get married?' " Hilsabeck said. "They're going to look at that and go, 'What, really, why?' "

She said it was the same when she explained to her own children, when they were young, past issues with rights for the black community.

"They didn't understand why," she said. "They thought it was ridiculous."

The Civil Rights movement of the 1950s and '60s is the source of a Martin Luther King Jr. quote Bridges was reminded of.

"He said, 'The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.'"

On a more personal level, the divorce was an immense weight off Hilsabeck's shoulders. While others may have doubted her chances, she was optimistic from the start.

"I have to say, Mary is a very faithful person," Bridges said. "She has a strong religious bent. Not that I don't, but I have the training of a lawyer and am a little more skeptical. After this was all accomplished, I told her I may start going to church where you go."

Mary said she "put it to faith." She knew she and Meng weren't meant to be married anymore. She said she's grateful for the relationship and all she learned, but it was time to move on.

She hopes this decision allows others that same relief.

"I certainly hope, because I know there have to be a lot of people in the same situation, and it is such a difficult situation," she said. "Not just for the financial aspect of it, and the legal aspect of it, but emotionally to be able to have that closure in the relationship so that you can move on.

"We want the same things everyone else does."

For Hilsabeck, that also means a new official legal bond. She and her fiancee, Sue Huber, plan to marry in October.

They say the wedding will be in Missouri.

The official marriage? They're hopeful that can be filed here, too.

Keeping up with policies

The following groups keep an eye on changing laws and how they affect the LGBT community, and post those updates online.

• Show Me Marriage: Facebook.com/ShowMeMarriage

• PROMO: PROMOonline.org or Facebook.com/PROMOmissouri

• National Center for Lesbian Rights: nclrights.org

• Lambda Legal: lambdalegal.org

• Freedom to Marry: freedomtomarry.org

Timeline of same-sex marriage

January 1973

Maryland becomes the first state to ban same-sex marriages.

May 1993

A Hawaii Supreme Court decision says same-sex marriage bans are unconstitutional.

September 1996

President Bill Clinton signs the Defense of Marriage Act, which bans same-sex marriages.

September 1999

California becomes the first state to create a domestic partnership statute, allowing same-sex couples to receive some protections offered by marriage.

May 2004

Massachusetts becomes the first state to allow same-sex marriage.

July 2010

A U.S. District Judge in New York rules that a restriction of marriage to different-sex couples is unconstitutional.

February 2011

President Barack Obama declares his administration will no longer defend the Defense of Marriage Act.

June 2013

The U.S. Supreme Court overturns a section of the Defense of Marriage Act that restricts marriage to different-sex couples.

November 2013

Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon issues an order that same-sex couples with a legal marriage can file joint tax returns.